My Cousin Jimmy

Jennifer Thomas aka Denny

About 5 years ago, for a high school English class, I wrote a very personal paper about my cousin, Jimmy, and his impact on my life. At this time my aunt asked if she could have it to use for this book. Of course, I agreed but given time I realized that my original paper did not fully include my thoughts of Jimmy. Since his death, I have grown, matured, and changed; I have become an adult. Through this process, I have been able to really appreciate Jimmy's important place in my life. My feelings since his death have not changed. I still miss Jimmy and love him very much. These feelings, however, like me, have developed and grown. I am now, more acutely aware of my lonliness without my dear cousin but find solace and happiness in knowing that he now has a healthy, unsuffering body with Jesus in Heaven.

Jimmy and I were born 4 months, 6 days apart from one another, he being the eldest. Because of this, we spent much time together and grew very close, even as small children. WE were not only cousins, he was my best friend -- the brother I didn't have. From the time I could comprehend the concept, I knew Jimmy suffered from Leukemia. How could I have not know? OFten, Jimmy was very sick and tired, he bruised easily, and he was unable to participate in may of the activities most people take for granted. During treatment Jimmy often lost his hair and had to wear a surgical mass out in public to hinder the spread of deadly viruses and bacteria that his damaged immune system could not battle. For a child, this experience is highly frightening and alienating. People constantly starring, laughing, and pointing. (What an unforgiving society we live in today.) But, Jimmy and I were unseperable, if he wore a mass, then I would wear the mask; if people were going to stare at him, then they were also going to stare at me. Together, no one could hurt us, were were strong for each other because we had to be in order to survive.

As Jimmy and I aged, I grew up and was forced to leave Jimmy behind in may ways. Because of the medications, Jimmy at 16, truly had the body of a ten year old boy, not that of a young man. For many years, Jimmy was also unable to attend school regularly, and so socially, although Jimmy had many friends, he was incapable for growing at my level and unable to participate in all the activities I was involved in. Thus, socially, we drifted apartf, but emotionally, we remained inseparable. On April 1, 1992, I knew Jimmy was very ill and my mom came to pick me up from my school musical rehearsal; Jimmy wanted to see me. When I got to Jimmy's he looked the same as the day before but, I knew he was dying. He told me just by the way his eyes looked into mine. As i got up from the bed, he urged me to return to rehearsal, Jimmy said, "I love you", gave me his hat and hugged me good-bye. The next day Jimmy died but he lived in me. For, the next day was the opening performance of our school musical and JImmy wanted so much to be there. So much in fact, that my mom was videotaping it for him. (We were unaware that Jimmy died at precisely the moment my mother stopped taping and turned the recorder off). But despite, his physical absence I danced, sang, and acted my heart out for him. How much he would have loved to be doing it himself and how proud he was of me, that I could do it. I even donned the hat he gave me on the way out the night before. Even if Jimmy could not be there, I felt he was going to partake in every activity I was involved in.

Since Jimmy's death, I have kept up my vow to maintain his presence in everything that I do. The Teddy Bear he gave me for Valentines Day sits humbly on my bed at college, while a picture frame I had given him for Christmas is propped on the bookshelf. Both of these are my way of bringing Jimmy to college - how he would have loved it! How I would have loved it. To have my best friend with me, healthy and alive, would have been an amazing experience. We would have had someone to share the good and bad times with, someone who would have understood that going away from home for the first time is lonely and scary. Together, Jimmy and I would not have been scared or even unhappy. College would have been like everything else -- something to accomplish as a team, together.

As I sit here today, I think of all the wonderful life dreams, Jimmy and I were going to fulfill together and it is hard to go on without him. I am engaged to be married now and I can remember Jimmy and I planning our double wedding ceremony. Yes, Jimmy will be remembered at my wedding ceremony, but how I wish he could physically be there himself that we could do it together. This though spurs me to think of the children also. I remember Jimmy always wanted to have four girls, quadruplets. He always promised to name one after me. I vowed to do the same. Jimmy's legacy, his inspiration , his life will live on in my children.

Furthermore, as I look to the future, I am deeply saddened that my pal is not here to share it with me. I am, however, urged to move forward by the drumming of his spirit in my mind. I know that I must move on and that Jimmy would be proud of me for doing so. His is my inspiration, "The Wind Beneath My Wings" (Bette Midler). Finally, in the infamous words of Jamers Horner, Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil; to Jimmy I send this special message, our song:

Somewhere out there beneath a pale moonlight.
Someones thinking of me and loving me tonight.\
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big Somewhere out there,
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Somewhere Out There if love can see us through
Then we'll be together, Somewhere Out There,
Out Where Dreams Come True.

I love you Jimmy!